I guess I have to blame my father. In an age of traditional fathers, he was pretty unconventional. He cooked although it took forever to get dinner on the table and he would talk about his evening of cooking for weeks after. But in the confusing times of the late 1960's, he instilled in me one strong belief - that I could do anything I set my mind to do.
For most of my life, believing this has boded well for me. I got good grades in school, had lots of friends, and was able to get into a good college. While life provided challenges from time to time, I had a great sense of optimism and was typically certain of a good outcome. All in all I succeeded. If you can measure life by a grade, I was at least running a B+ average most of the time. That was until this mid life dating thing. For the first time I may have met my match. If quarterly grades were posted today, I would be getting a D and that would be with a sympathetic teacher.
I started actively looking three months ago today. This coincided with the announcement by my husband that he was sleeping over at his girlfriend's and would I by the way keep an eye on the kids. Realizing that he was having sex and lots of it to be certain I knew he had moved on. It was time for me to move from rescue to recovery mode and begin my dating life again.
I've written here previously about using the traditional methods of dating that I knew. Meeting through friends, meeting at work, looking up old boyfriends - all were tried and pretty quickly determined to be less effective at this stage of life. I decided to take to the internet and embrace technology for all the rewards it might provide. I created a profile and loaded a picture and off I went into the world of cyberspace to find Mr. Right or being a realist here, to have a dinner date every once in a while. I chose two sites - Match.com and Plenty of Fish - the former because of its great advertising campaign that lured me in and the latter because my sister had told me of the extensive number of dates my former brother-in-law had gotten by using the site.
I've told you about the lawyer - good on paper who was still lamenting about his ex-wife seven years post divorce. Moving on from that fiasco, I talked to Ray who had just lost his home to foreclosure. You may say I was picky but I was not quite ready to date a homeless man. Then there was Fred. I could forgive the fact that he was a Red Sox fan and we met for coffee. We got along fine but then after a week of post coffee emails all conversation died. Then there was the guy who was a Tarheels fan - I can't even remember his name who said he was lonely and depressed but then just stopped emailing. There is a lot of emotional neediness in this post fifty dating group. Men without women at this stage of life are not a pretty sight. I still hold out hope for Jim, the retired financially secure teacher who I talked with on the phone twice for three hours. He is currently sidetracked dealing with some issues with his daughter and maybe I'm the eternal optimist but I sense that this is true and not a dodge. Let me know people if you think I'm fooling myself.
So here I am - eager to succeed at this and failing miserably. I want to hear from you my readers on your thoughts. First of all, I ask you to not give me two pieces of advice that if I hear again I will indeed shoot the messenger. The first is "stop looking". Anyone who knows me will know that I can never sit by the sidelines when there is something to be done. The second is "develop yourself, get to know yourself better, enjoy your time alone...." Let me just say I am. I'm writing aren't I? I have lots of fun with my women friends, don't I? I don't need a relationship to make me complete but I'm ready to have one to add to my life. It would be nice to think that maybe, just maybe I may have sex again before I die. So I am all ears for suggestions and some really concrete ones at that. .... lose some weight, get rid of that awful laugh... that kind of stuff that I can really work on. I am especially interested in hearing from my male readers, if any, because I think you bring a unique perspective to the table. So let's get cracking, the semester isn't over yet and I still believe with your help I can pass.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
"Is the Teacher in the Building?"
Last year I attended the funeral of a woman from my church. She was relatively young, in her mid sixties,and had fought a three year battle with liver cancer. As part of her eulogy, our minister described the unique relationship he had with this member of the congregation. We tend to think as adults we are grown and the learning process ends. Through his words he described how he, as a middle aged man of 56, had been enriched by the lessons learned from this woman despite their different personality styles. He quoted Buddha saying "When the pupil is ready, the teacher will come."
In the sadness of any loss there is always is a period of reflection of why. This is a natural part of the grieving process and certainly one I undertook for a long time when my marriage unraveled. Yet as I look back on any setback in my life I know that given time you began to understand that these course corrections bring you to a better place and a more developed you.
Despite the outcome,Gary and I had a decent run together. We were great friends, intellectual equals, and could make each other laugh. Our Achilles heel was our ability or should I say inability to manage money together as a couple. We were never on the same page and my eagerness to please and make everyone in the family happy led me to say yes when I should have said no. Over time even the best marriage can not survive the erosion of the feelings of security I needed to be happy.
Last week, a late birthday present arrived in my life in the forms of a new friendship. There was an immediate connection on core values and since we have yet to meet in person I am hopeful that this is not just sexual attraction taking over.On the surface we appear to be very different people. He is the most active outdoors man I've ever met and you know me, I'm active but hardly the outdoors woman. We seem to be pupil and teacher to one another back and forth in a synchronized manner that I've never experienced with a member of the opposite sex. I find myself saying a prayer each day that this will grow and develop. I am cautiously optimistic. Perhaps the teacher has arrived and the pupil is finally ready. Stay tuned. Only time will tell.
In the sadness of any loss there is always is a period of reflection of why. This is a natural part of the grieving process and certainly one I undertook for a long time when my marriage unraveled. Yet as I look back on any setback in my life I know that given time you began to understand that these course corrections bring you to a better place and a more developed you.
Despite the outcome,Gary and I had a decent run together. We were great friends, intellectual equals, and could make each other laugh. Our Achilles heel was our ability or should I say inability to manage money together as a couple. We were never on the same page and my eagerness to please and make everyone in the family happy led me to say yes when I should have said no. Over time even the best marriage can not survive the erosion of the feelings of security I needed to be happy.
Last week, a late birthday present arrived in my life in the forms of a new friendship. There was an immediate connection on core values and since we have yet to meet in person I am hopeful that this is not just sexual attraction taking over.On the surface we appear to be very different people. He is the most active outdoors man I've ever met and you know me, I'm active but hardly the outdoors woman. We seem to be pupil and teacher to one another back and forth in a synchronized manner that I've never experienced with a member of the opposite sex. I find myself saying a prayer each day that this will grow and develop. I am cautiously optimistic. Perhaps the teacher has arrived and the pupil is finally ready. Stay tuned. Only time will tell.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
"Am I His Mother?"
Back in high school, my best friend Lori had a surprise sweet sixteen party for me. Among the gifts was a small statue from my friend Jason that read "World's Best Mother". I still have it to this day and if I ever unpack everything from my post divorce move, I will proudly display it. I know where your mind is going on this one. Even in the gentler days of 1975 Poughkeepsie, New York I wondered if this gift had some kind of negative meaning. "No," Jason assured me. "This is just a recognition of your tremendous nurturing qualities." Since we have been friends now for almost forty years, I believe he was sincere.
This nurturing stuff has almost come too naturally to me. Growing up in a house where my parents loved and cared for us but often had lots of conflict with one another, I wanted everyone to feel loved and taken care of. Being the middle child didn't help either. I seemed to often be the go- between my two sisters and once in a while even play that role today. Too easily, I fell into this role in my relationships with men. As you know, this has not led to the best outcomes.
If the definition of a moron is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, I was determined to be smart about things this time. Men would come to me this time around. I would not be the over nurturing girlfriend or wife. But just like a shark smells blood, guys seemed to pick up immediately on the quality I was most determined to hide.
My first post separation date involved meeting a guy who as my mother would put it "looked great on paper". An accomplished lawyer with kids the same age as mine soon had me envisioning happily ever after. My first clue should have been that he wouldn't meet me until he had a cast removed from his foot. Then came our faithful coffee. Within just a few moments after we met he confided that even though divorced over six years, his ex-wife was a major factor in his almost nervous breakdown. His health was shot and at 57 had pretty much thrown in the towel on life and relationships. He didn't need a girlfriend - this guy needed a therapist and quickly.
Thinking this was a fluke I dated a few other guys. I heard about hip replacements, bad eyes, and my all time favorite prostate surgery. Let me remind you that none of these guys were even 65. I wanted to say to them while I may remind you of your mother I am really hoping that at least one part on you is still in good working order.I sincerely hope their mother would not be interested in that!
I then thought about their reaction if I too had revealed my medical history. Yes, I would say, if you look closer one breast is slightly smaller than another because I had surgery for breast cancer back in 2000. The upside is that both are still real and the doctors who have seen my surgery scar say it is one of the least disfiguring they have ever seen. We all know at that point they'd be running for the hills.
I am not opposed at all in accepting a person medical problems and all. I would just like to know you a little more before we discuss when you had your last colonoscopy. The nurturer is still here; she is just looking for some healthy balance.
This nurturing stuff has almost come too naturally to me. Growing up in a house where my parents loved and cared for us but often had lots of conflict with one another, I wanted everyone to feel loved and taken care of. Being the middle child didn't help either. I seemed to often be the go- between my two sisters and once in a while even play that role today. Too easily, I fell into this role in my relationships with men. As you know, this has not led to the best outcomes.
If the definition of a moron is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, I was determined to be smart about things this time. Men would come to me this time around. I would not be the over nurturing girlfriend or wife. But just like a shark smells blood, guys seemed to pick up immediately on the quality I was most determined to hide.
My first post separation date involved meeting a guy who as my mother would put it "looked great on paper". An accomplished lawyer with kids the same age as mine soon had me envisioning happily ever after. My first clue should have been that he wouldn't meet me until he had a cast removed from his foot. Then came our faithful coffee. Within just a few moments after we met he confided that even though divorced over six years, his ex-wife was a major factor in his almost nervous breakdown. His health was shot and at 57 had pretty much thrown in the towel on life and relationships. He didn't need a girlfriend - this guy needed a therapist and quickly.
Thinking this was a fluke I dated a few other guys. I heard about hip replacements, bad eyes, and my all time favorite prostate surgery. Let me remind you that none of these guys were even 65. I wanted to say to them while I may remind you of your mother I am really hoping that at least one part on you is still in good working order.I sincerely hope their mother would not be interested in that!
I then thought about their reaction if I too had revealed my medical history. Yes, I would say, if you look closer one breast is slightly smaller than another because I had surgery for breast cancer back in 2000. The upside is that both are still real and the doctors who have seen my surgery scar say it is one of the least disfiguring they have ever seen. We all know at that point they'd be running for the hills.
I am not opposed at all in accepting a person medical problems and all. I would just like to know you a little more before we discuss when you had your last colonoscopy. The nurturer is still here; she is just looking for some healthy balance.
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