In my other life I raise money for a living. People tell me that it must be an awful job but I love it. My job in Annual Giving can be especially pressure filled. A goal is set and there are 365 days to reach that goal. It typically increases each year and in an economy like this can be challenging.
Those who know me really well understand my competitive nature. Forged in elementary school competing with our later class valedictorian Laura, I continued to want to do well throughout high school. My high school friends will remember Mr. Daniels -a tough but hunky high school social studies teacher and his infamous tests. No one got 100 but he curved the grades so that the highest score be it a 65 or an 80 set the curve. On a few occasions I relished the fact that I was the most hated person in the class for setting the curve. College at Union put me in a place with other equally competitive people and developed my social skills (sometimes a little too much to the dismay of my parents). Along the way I'm happy to say I was able to develop a good sense of self-esteem. It got shaken a little in these last few years but given the love and help of some really good friends it is still there. Which brings me back to work and in turn the larger questions of life.
As a team, if we pull together, we will do the best possible job we can. This year is particularly tough but we have many accomplishments to show from our work and if we don't quite meet our goal we will have grown together. I still have faith that we may do it. But now I need everyone to focus on the we and not the me.
Describing this situation to my friend Kevin, he told me a great story from his coaching days. Telling his young basketball team that there was no I in team one young player spoke up." Coach, he said, there is no I in team but there is me." Kevin's gift for humor at just the right moment has seen me through more than one dark time in the last few years.
That story though got me thinking about some of the larger questions of life. The institution of marriage for example. Two people form a team and there are great victories and heart breaking defeats. If and when children enter the mix the circle expands. Collectively everyone is there to support one another and if all possess good self esteem each understands that all will benefit from the success of the other. The danger lies in thinking too much of one's self. The resulting consequences are devastating.
I have laid off from writing in recent weeks because I have been afraid to put voice to some deep feelings that I have had. I realize now that in expressing those things I will be able to move forward.
I am no longer mad or sad at the demise of marriage. I am just very disappointed and not for the reasons you might think. I married a smart and charming person many years ago. What I discovered along the way was that while we all believed in him he did not believe in himself. He was always searching and restless for the right job, the right location, and eventually again for the perfect relationship. Along the way, two marriages were destroyed and five children greatly effected. The more we got to know him, the more he couldn't bear for us to see the real him. But we did and we loved him anyway and hoped that he loved us. All in all when it came down to it it was easier to move on than to face the personal demons.
If I have learned one lesson in life it is that I can be strong as an individual but even stronger with the grace and love of others who know the real me. It does not diminish me but makes me even greater. It's time we all start growing up and ignored the me in team for a change. We have nothing to lose and so much to gain.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Much Is Expected.....
Sometimes it is often the simplest of conversations that stops you in your tracks and makes you reflect on something in a way you've never seen it before. This happened to me on Sunday in a busy coffee shop along Route 20 talking to a man I had just met. Hardly the place for an epiphany yet maybe the best of circumstances; words from a stranger that resonated with me in a way he doesn't even yet know.
In the last few months I've become a resident expert in coffee dates. These are those meetings when after chatting for a reasonable amount of time on the internet both parties seeks a neutral place to safely meet and gauge if there is further interest. My expert status may tell you that for me these have been less than successful . Ah, I've had coffee and even lunch but have yet to have moved on to dinner and let's get crazy and imagine a movie too. Sometimes the rejection has come from the other party and sometimes from me but my level of comfort and confidence in having these get- togethers has grown tremendously in just the three months I've been doing this.
So last Saturday after talking with a widower for almost three weeks I proposed that we meet for coffee on Sunday afternoon. This was the first time I initiated the coffee and for once I was feeling like I was in the driver's seat. I had almost written him off - nearly five years younger than me, quiet and very respectful in his on line conversations with me, he seemed well - too nice. Where was that element of danger that I craved or that spark of passion I thought I needed to immediately feel? Just as I had been about to write him off earlier in the week he had shocked me. The week had been hectic and our thrice daily emails to one another had stopped when I didn't return his that Monday. On Thursday he politely thanked me for our conversations and told me that he was sorry that he had bothered me and would stop emailing me. Immediate remorse set in for me - why would I always contort myself for a jerk yet ignore a nice guy. I snapped to attention, emailed my apologies and by Thursday evening we were emailing again. Now I wanted to meet him sooner rather than later. Sunday morning he called to confirm our coffee and the sound of his voice strong and confident pleasantly surprised me. I eagerly looked forward to our meeting.
His bland affect at our meeting made me wonder. What was he thinking? Would we be able to hold a conversation? Like a job interview that seems doomed from the start I thought please, I'm not up for another rejection again.
And then we began to talk - the conversation flowed easily for two strangers. There was lots in common - kids of the same age and funny teenage stories but we also just as easily trasitioned into world issues. In one email we had briefly touched on the demise of my marriage so it was time to talk about the death of his wife. That conversation evolved naturally as if we were two old friends talking. And then it hit me. To whom much is given much is expected.
My new friend's wife had been much like me in the prime of her life with a young family when her cancer struck. She had successfully endured chemo and radiation and was soundly in remission for over a year when it struck again - this time with a vengance. Told she was terminal in April with a prognosis of thirteen months to live she was dead by July and the last three months a harrowing tale of the failures of our medical system. Having listened to many cancer stories with positive and negative outcomes over the years I had never heard such a sad story told with such clarity, understanding, love, and final acceptance.
Driving back on that afternoon, I pondered this new friendship and where it might lead. Appearances can be misleading and I was now rethinking my original misconceptions. But more than that I was wondering why had she died and I had lived. Like me she must have wished to see her children grown and to grow older with her loving husband. Wasn't there some rhyme or reason as to why things happen the way they do?
I have received much in my life that is really hard to measure - wonderful friendships, loving and caring relationships, laughter, fun, and tremendous memories. For any bump in the road, there have been ten moments that lifted me up. Much has been given and it's time that I consider the gifts I need to leave for all that I have received. The thinking cap is on - this is one assignment I want to ace.
In the last few months I've become a resident expert in coffee dates. These are those meetings when after chatting for a reasonable amount of time on the internet both parties seeks a neutral place to safely meet and gauge if there is further interest. My expert status may tell you that for me these have been less than successful . Ah, I've had coffee and even lunch but have yet to have moved on to dinner and let's get crazy and imagine a movie too. Sometimes the rejection has come from the other party and sometimes from me but my level of comfort and confidence in having these get- togethers has grown tremendously in just the three months I've been doing this.
So last Saturday after talking with a widower for almost three weeks I proposed that we meet for coffee on Sunday afternoon. This was the first time I initiated the coffee and for once I was feeling like I was in the driver's seat. I had almost written him off - nearly five years younger than me, quiet and very respectful in his on line conversations with me, he seemed well - too nice. Where was that element of danger that I craved or that spark of passion I thought I needed to immediately feel? Just as I had been about to write him off earlier in the week he had shocked me. The week had been hectic and our thrice daily emails to one another had stopped when I didn't return his that Monday. On Thursday he politely thanked me for our conversations and told me that he was sorry that he had bothered me and would stop emailing me. Immediate remorse set in for me - why would I always contort myself for a jerk yet ignore a nice guy. I snapped to attention, emailed my apologies and by Thursday evening we were emailing again. Now I wanted to meet him sooner rather than later. Sunday morning he called to confirm our coffee and the sound of his voice strong and confident pleasantly surprised me. I eagerly looked forward to our meeting.
His bland affect at our meeting made me wonder. What was he thinking? Would we be able to hold a conversation? Like a job interview that seems doomed from the start I thought please, I'm not up for another rejection again.
And then we began to talk - the conversation flowed easily for two strangers. There was lots in common - kids of the same age and funny teenage stories but we also just as easily trasitioned into world issues. In one email we had briefly touched on the demise of my marriage so it was time to talk about the death of his wife. That conversation evolved naturally as if we were two old friends talking. And then it hit me. To whom much is given much is expected.
My new friend's wife had been much like me in the prime of her life with a young family when her cancer struck. She had successfully endured chemo and radiation and was soundly in remission for over a year when it struck again - this time with a vengance. Told she was terminal in April with a prognosis of thirteen months to live she was dead by July and the last three months a harrowing tale of the failures of our medical system. Having listened to many cancer stories with positive and negative outcomes over the years I had never heard such a sad story told with such clarity, understanding, love, and final acceptance.
Driving back on that afternoon, I pondered this new friendship and where it might lead. Appearances can be misleading and I was now rethinking my original misconceptions. But more than that I was wondering why had she died and I had lived. Like me she must have wished to see her children grown and to grow older with her loving husband. Wasn't there some rhyme or reason as to why things happen the way they do?
I have received much in my life that is really hard to measure - wonderful friendships, loving and caring relationships, laughter, fun, and tremendous memories. For any bump in the road, there have been ten moments that lifted me up. Much has been given and it's time that I consider the gifts I need to leave for all that I have received. The thinking cap is on - this is one assignment I want to ace.
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