At work we have a wonderful tradition of a Thanksgiving Mass followed by a reception for our department. This took place on Tuesday reminding me that even in a difficult year, there is much to be thankful for. One of my friends there reminded me that I haven't blogged in awhile. Reflecting on this I remember how writing tamed the overwhelming emotions in the last year and let me see the humor even in dark moments. The dark moments now are fewer and farther between. I worry about things that all preoccupy us from time to time. Will there be enough money to go around? Am I being the best parent I can be? Do they like the job I do at work? All in all, though it is a good life.
Sometimes in a rapid jarring fashion the old life intrudes. The natural defense when one feels attacked is to attack. Growth and a more productive life comes in stopping the old dance and trying a new one. It is hard because the old patterns are so familiar. Such was the choice yesterday.
The girls and I spent this Thanksgiving with my mom. Dan opted to stay home and relax and although we all wanted him to join us we respected the fact that he is capable of making choices for himself now. On our trip to Poughkeepsie Kate asked if we could go see her aunt and uncle, Gary's sister and brother in law who live only a few miles from my mother. Thinking really nothing of it I said yes and Kate called her. After spending time with my mom, we took the short trip and spent a very pleasant few hours visiting. Believe it or not, my ex husband was not the topic of conversation.
Yesterday I received the following text from Gary as I drove home with the girls. "You left Dan home alone on Thanksgiving and his 18th birthday so you could take some kind of sinister trip to see my sister? What kind of insensitive, arrogant, sanctimonious whacko are you???"
I was stunned by the text. First, deeply hurt by the name calling and then angered by his attempt to draw me again into conflict with him. Upon arriving home I viewed an earlier email he sent me that day imploring me to stay away from his family. Believe me folks when I tell you not all abuse is physical and it does not discriminate regardless of socio-economic levels. I was shaken for the rest of the day.
Today, though with a good night's sleep and dinner plans with a nice man I have started to date I am glad I chose not to respond and dance the old dance. It is hard but no growth or positive change comes easily. If the rest of my life is going to be spent in life affirming relationships I need to let go of the old patterns of behavior. And this year for gaining that wisdom through the love and support of family and friends, I am truly thankful.
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